One of the most cruel things I have seen over the years is the game that Satan plays with couples who decide to get married. Marriage and families are God’s idea/invention and Satan absolutely hates them. If you discover your feelings for your boyfriend/girlfriend went from hot to cold very suddenly after marriage, what you’re about to read could be a game-changer. The dating scene consists of two people putting their best foot forward in order to attract or impress someone they wish to be with for the rest of their lives. This means things like generational baggage, character flaws, perversion and past abuse (sometimes involving relatives) are kept hidden. And because any/all sexual relations outside of marriage are sinful, Satan uses the dating stage to drive the couple crazy. They “love each other so much” and “can’t keep their hands off of each other” (the passion goes through the roof because in this case, it is demonically driven). They can’t wait to tie the knot and enter into this “passion” full-time.
But the moment they get married Satan shifts gears. Now their passion would be a God-thing, which the devil so desperately hates, so he closes the spigot (shutting down demonically driven passion) and what’s worse, he allows the past abuses (that were previously hidden) to float right up to the surface where it becomes a wrench in the gears of the new couple’s passion box. Suddenly he/she goes from “I can’t get enough of you” to, “I want nothing to do with you, don’t touch me!” (and when I say “suddenly”, I’m talking honeymoon for some). It is so cruel and horrible. Thankfully this can be healed, but since it is not understood by most (and requires a trip to those secret places), many never go through that process. Instead they simply look elsewhere for passion (which of course consists of something outside of marriage, and anything you pursue there will once again have Satan’s blessing, hence the feelings again go through the roof).
You can either work together and get to know what your spouse’s secrets consist of (the things that now stand between the two of you with the intention of destroying your marriage), or you can return their new-found hatred and add fuel to the fire. The number one killer of true passion and intimacy within a marriage, the things that are found in the deepest recesses of the soul, are sexual events that happened prior to marriage. Nothing is more devastating than discovering your spouse is not who you thought he/she was. Most, if not all people bring secret things into marriage (and when these things are discovered, both spouses can feel totally betrayed). The worst secrets are the ones that are not consciously known by the host/carrier. For one example: let’s say a girl was molested between the ages of 0-5, those memories can be rejected and completely forgotten consciously (this is actually a natural reaction within children). At some point in her life, this girl becomes a Christian and opts for a Godly, chaste lifestyle. This person can enter into marriage totally convinced she is a pure and Godly woman about to experience sexual intimacy for the very first time. In the middle of that first sexual experience with her husband, her insides tell her otherwise. Alarm bells go off saying “It’s not the first time! We have been here before! This is disgusting! Red alert!” The husband is stunned and left thinking “What in the world is wrong with you?” She replies, “I don’t know but don’t ever touch me again!”
This is so cruel and unfair because some honestly have no conscious clue about the abuse from their childhood, and in this scenario, neither she nor the husband may have any desire to discover how this is not her first rodeo. Who wants to discover I didn’t/couldn’t save myself for you after all? Who wants to discover what the babysitter or wacky family member did 25 years ago? Yet this is what it takes to be free. This is where you tell your spouse, “This is not about you, I do love you. Give me some time to figure this out, then we’ll start over.”
If the sexual part of your marriage is not right, please consider and pray about the possibility that someone may have been abused. No loving spouse in their right mind would suddenly hate their partner for finding an early-childhood traumatic event for the purpose of giving it to Jesus. He loves to heal and restore those who have suffered in this way, and when the healing is complete it can be as though it never even happened, with all the pain, shame and damage removed (this is what we try to produce through denial, but that method never works). Then you’ll no longer be triggered when you cozy up to your spouse, and you might even become the lover of their dreams. I have seen many people receive healing from his type of thing, but it is no walk in the park as it requires a dive into one’s sexual history.